Hi I’m John, and I’m a songwriter. Whew, that’s a hard this to say. It took me a long time to admit to anyone much less than to a meeting like this, but I AM a songwriter. I’m really glad to be here at Songwriters Anonymous. I’ve been coming here for a while now and I finally got the courage to come up here. There is really a sense of belonging here to find support in a safe environment and know there are others who have the same problem as I do with this crippling disease of songwriting. For many years I was in denial about my problem. I was enslaved by my addiction keeping myself isolated and hoping no one would find out about my terrible secret. I would stay up for long hours in the evening trying to get that initial rush that get when you finish a song. I couldn’t wait to get started on my next one, and the next one after that. Sometime I would have several songs going on at one time. I would walk around all day in a daze looking for deeper meanings on everything I saw or heard, waiting for that perfect title or getting hooked on a melody that keep repeating in my head. Songs would pop into my head all day and I would constantly be writing in my little notebook, compulsively jotting down ideas. I can’t tell you how many songs I have finished. I have them stashed all around the house, in my car, at the office, uh, here right now in my pocket. Eventually everything took on the meaning of a song. I couldn’t distinguish between the song and reality. It was taking a toll on my health, my marriage, my family, job and my friends. I was losing sleep because of dreaming songs. I would hear beautiful music in my dreams and wake up and rush to my recorder and try to capture what I heard. I would wake up the next morning and listen to what I had recorded and it seemed like I was in a stupor and it did not make any sense. Somehow I had lost the initial beauty of it.
I think back to how it all started as a teenager in high
school. I started out by reading poetry
books out back by the dumpster. But then
I graduated into music and I started listening to likes of Bob Dylan, John
Lennon, Jim Morrison [all addicts like me] and then it happened; A friend of mine left a guitar at my house
overnight. When I picked it up it gave
me a sense of power like I never felt before.
There’s nothing like the feeling when you play your first Am chord and
then it happened; I started putting words in the form of lyrics to that
chord. I was repulsed at first, but as
I grew to like the taste of putting words to music the songs became easier to
swallow. Eventually my habit grew until
I was doing 3 songs a day. I was happy
to spend long weekends alone with just a pencil and paper and tape
recorder. I put all the songs into a
notebook that just got thicker and thicker everyday. I knew about other addicts like Paul Simon,
Neil Young, James Taylor and Joni Mitchell who like me had thick books of songs
too. I wanted to be just like them. I took my songs to local coffeehouses and
sang them to unsuspecting audiences. Eventually I was spending a lot of money recording my songs and demoing them, joining websites, songwriting organizations, and entering contests. I'm talking thousands of dollars here. Putting songwriting above everything else. Fame addiction was now taking over. My creations had to be heard by the whole world! Some people used my addiction to get more money from me. They understood this desire towards fame.
Finally I had to admit to my problem and that I was out of
control. I’ve come to the conclusion
that I’m powerless over this self-destructive behavior; with the help of the
program and God someday I will be free to live a normal sane life. Ok, sometimes I still have relapses and slip
but now I can see a ray of hope and with all of you here and the program’s help
I know that one day I can break out of this cycle of addiction and continue to
walk along this road to recovery. Thank
you.
